"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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