were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
