happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
