Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
