Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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