Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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