i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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