Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
