someone threw a dead crab at me
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
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