I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize