Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
