WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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