Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She just used a chaser for red wine.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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