So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
