my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
