The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
