i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
