why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
50% drunk capacity currently
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
