I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He? As in you personified your dick?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
