So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
