No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
