You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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