Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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