I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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