What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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