The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
