Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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