Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
