Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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