She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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