dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
