apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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