ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
