apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
