loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
