I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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