Where did you get a picture of my penis
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
