She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
