do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
