I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i barfeds in our rink
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
