do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
