Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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