I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
We smell like vodka and hangover
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