How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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