I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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