I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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