Little spoons don't ask big questions
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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