I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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