dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i came on her dog
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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