you guys were way drunker than both of me
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
