I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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