Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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