the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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