i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Two words: blizzard sex
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
