My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
