Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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