Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
What drink are we having for lunch?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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