i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
