I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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